It has literally been months since my last post...MONTHS! I kept thinking that I needed to share all the horrific details of the roller coaster God has put me on the past few months. It made me shy away from writing because truthfully, I don't want to relive it. Once was enough. Once was plenty. But man, God has taught me a lot...here's what has happened...
Early April, Tom and I excitedly shared with our friends and family that George would be a big brother. Two weeks later, we sat in my doctor's office thinking we would be seeing our healthy baby for the first time and the main thing I remember hearing was my doctor saying, "I'm concerned." Worst words in the world for a doctor to say to you really. Everything after is a blur. I wrote it all down at the time. Every horrible emotion. I can honestly say that I understand the curse so much more now. When Eve ate of the tree in the garden, God told her that because of that there would be great pain in childbirth. And there was when I delivered George...trust me. There was! But then I went through a different childbirth. I went through the birth of a child who never really had a chance in our world's eyes. It was all pregnancy tissue our world would tell me. And man, there was GREAT pain. I felt that I would never be whole again. I felt that I would never be able to be a mom again. I felt that it was all my fault. I went through the ENTIRE gamut of emotions. I felt it all I think. But the beautiful thing about the God I believe in, He never intended for us to sit in that pain, for the curse to be it.
God recently taught me one of the coolest things I think I have learned. It was in His curse, that He brought His solution. He didn't give us a Savior who was already a king, or He didn't say ok Jesus, it's time for you to go to earth, I'll make you a ten year old. No, He sent His Son, my Savior, in the form of a baby. Through the pain. Amazing. And it is in Christ where I have begun healing, first, because I can KNOW where my child is and I can KNOW where I'm going. My heart still hurts. Often. I still cry for a child that I long for, but as my husband preached this weekend, when Chaos encounters Christ there is Perfect Peace.
Our story doesn't end there (I gave you fair warning, it has been a roller coaster). 13 weeks and 5 days ago, God gave me another child. This one is growing healthy and strong and I pray that he or she is continuing to grow. I struggled a lot at the beginning. A lot. I felt that I couldn't attach myself too much, because it was only a matter of time before God would take this one away too. But Tom (seriously, he's smart) said something that is etched in my mind. He said, "Sarah, we aren't guarenteed to have George forever, if he dies at 5 are you going to wait until our kids are 6 to love them? A child is a gift, no matter how long we have them." He's right. George is a precious gift, I love that child so much. This child in me is a precious gift, I love him or her so much. And the child I lost, was a precious gift for the 9 weeks I had him or her, and I love him or her so much.
So there you have it, my justification. So now here I am...anxiously awaiting to see my babies...one in 6 months, and the other when I get to heaven.